Short Hilarious Jokes

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Just before the funeral services,
the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?"
"'98," she replied, "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia .
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thankfully,
I still have my driver's license.

An old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"
Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."
Patient: "OH NO! That's awful! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???"
Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief"

The Senility Prayer:
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Things people actually said in American courts, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters who experienced the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

This is for all the germ-conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get 'em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car."
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ...

"Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!"

2 Quarters or a Dollar - One very, very smart kid ...

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son, why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied,
"Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

Short Hilarious Jokes About Doctors and Lawyers

A well known, rich lawyer's wife broke her hip.
The lawyer got the best orthopedic surgeon in town to do the operation, which consisted of lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it.
The operation went smoothly, and the doctor sent the lawyer a bill for $5,000 for his services.
The lawyer, outraged at the high price, sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list of the costs.
The doctor responded to the letter with the following:

1 Screw: $1.00
Knowing how to put it in: $4,999
Total: $5,000

The lawyer never argued.

One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, "Doc, exactly what is my problem?"
The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water."

Short Hilarious Jokes About Animals

Two cows were standing in a field.
The first said to the other,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"No, I don't believe it" said the second cow.
"It's true - no bull."

A duck walked into a drugstore and asked for a tube of ChapStick.
The cashier said, "That'll be $1.49" and the duck said "Put it on my bill!"

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
- A brick layer!

The Origin of Expressions

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ...dead ringer.

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.